I miss my best friend.
Iāve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I didnāt know where to write the thoughts in my head, I forgot about tumblr, shit I havenāt been in this thing in like two years. Fairly sure I have no followers on here this is literally just to get things out of my head and off my chest.
IDK man. The last time was spoke was 29th September 2016, almost two years. The problem is I didnāt see her as my best friend, I saw her as part of me, probably sounds weird and gay, but we did literally everything together, told each other everything, weād talk every day. Moving to Wales was one of the best things I did, but I canāt help but think if I were still back home weād still be talking, seeing each other, being the dicks we are. Losing a friend who means so much to you hurts more than losing a boyfriend/girlfriend.
I saw the things she said to people, and it fucking hurt, like is that really what she thought of me? Or was she just pissed at me? Both? Idk, but I decided after seeing that I didnāt want to talk, and that if she didnāt mean those things she would have spoken to me, but she still hasnāt, and I havenāt spoken to her. I want to, and I think about our friendship almost every day, still have photos of us in frames because we had fucking good memories, it hurts not talking to her, but I canāt help but think sheās better off without me talking to her anyways, I live miles away.
The things she said donāt bother me anymore, I was a new mum then, seeing things that doubted me as a mother and girlfriend really put me down about myself, now Iāve come to realise Iām a fucking good mother, my girls have never gone without anything, I put them first 100% so I have nothing to worry about.
When I found out I was pregnant with Freya the first person I wanted to tell was Faye, but how weird would that be to op up out of nowhere after months of no contact, hey, Iām pregnant again. When Simon and I got engaged I wanted to tell her, thereās so many things Iāve wanted to share with her, but I have to gut feeling she doesnāt want contact with me again and I havenāt got the balls to risk finding out that she hates me because I still care about her and her family so much.
I cried to Simon a few nights ago and asked, should I message her? I miss her I want to see her, go out get fucked up enjoy ourselves and forget the last nearly two years, Iād love to, but I donāt think she would.
I removed her off social media, everything, because the lack of contact was shit, what was the point in keeping each other without talking, I removed almost everyone from Derby off of Facebook. But just lately I canāt help but worry, I want to know if sheās okay, I want to know that sheās doing well, I want to know her family ar oaky, but I want to ask her, but I donāt want a reply that says āfuck offā
I told her I wanted to get matching tattoos of a little slug, itās an inside joke, but Iām still going to get it, because thatās one of the funniest moments of my life for fucks sake š we might not talk but she still my best friend, and I will still get that tattoo because it means something to me.
I just miss her, and the more time goes on, the harder it gets, itās almost like when someone you love and care about passes away and you want to talk to them, but you canāt. Problem here is I can, I could easily message her and just say āhey, sorry Iām a dick, I just want to know how you are, how life is, what youāre up to nowā but Iām too scared of her refusing to speak to me again.
IDK.
It sucks.
